I never knew a darn thing about football until I moved to America. I used to see the games as I channel surfed and thought, that’s weird. My knowledge of football was limited to, “helmets look shiny”! that’s it. Now I know better, I understand a lot more of why the heck these guys run round a turf with numbers on them and what is it they are doing. I get it. I might not love it, but I get it. Now on to my little discussion. Tom Brady.

Why I dislike Tom Brady? Because he’s a douche? No, seriously I whole-heartedly believe the guy looks like one. There’s is no way one human being can be so talented, so beautiful and have a hot wife( to Boot!) and be so squeaky clean. No way. I really sincerely think he just looks extra douche-y. That creepy smile, those perfect looks. He’s a robot probably. Hers a spy from another space society that has come to seduce us with his sexy ways, and then snatch American dreams away when he disappears and the patriots don’t win for Shit again . POOF!

Didn’t he leave his ex with a baby? Wait he has two babies now. Ahh Subtle invasion of the American population. Sneaky sneaky Brady leaving his offspring behind to rule the world in 20 yrs or so.

I don’t think I’d like him ( maybe if he were ugly) and here are the reasons why (BTW this Blog is a comedic blog, don’t get all worked up if you LOVE your Brady!)

1. Couldn’t you be hideous in the face? I mean being an awesome quarterback is amazing. I give you kudos for that, but do you also have to be considered the hottest guy in the planet. Your face is probably insured by a billion dollars, the smile veneered with titanium!. Ahhhh. No. You should’ve looked like a regular guy, so the rest of us could actually feel like skills/ looks were distributed evenly throughout the population and not hoarded into one single individual.
2. You couldn’t marry someone plain or common could you? Ok, so not only are you gorgeous, but you had to up the ante and marry the most gorgeous woman you could find. The richest one too, she earns more than you !!! He just couldn’t even the odds a little. Oh no, he didn’t. Both of them are so pretty, they radiate sunlight and blind people as they approach. It’s that freaking unbelievable. T heir baby will for sure win every pageant, and be incredible in everything. Who needs an Avatar, seriously? Humans have evolved and reached perfection already; lets face it, in Tom Brady and Giselle’s progeny you’re it.
3. You couldn’t have lost your skill due to your damn injury? No really, you got hurt Tom, so hurt you tore your ACL. That rat bastard from the Kansas city chiefs who played a dirty one on you. (they guy has been let go by the way, shows you how powerful the Brady can be)That’s sucks, big-time. What happens then, you’re out for the season. Men everywhere (and by that I mean Patriot fans and any human being who recognizes a unique human specimen as you) cried and just lost hope of a better future in the NFL, especially for New England. They were devastated. Since you’re out on the other hand, other teams rejoiced due to the slight chance of actually making it to the Superbowl. Hooray underdogs! They would actually have a chance, A CHANCE!!! Ok, hooray. Then you comeback and you’re so kick- A awesome you actually return and your freaking team in# 1 now, # 1!!! No such thing as easing into this slowly huh? Bastard. At least the Jets whooped your ass on the playoffs and you didn’t make it to the Superbowl, at least.
4. You’re Beiber fever look is so not attractive. Ok so I’m not blind, I can see how you’re looks are above average. I admit, I once looked at the Stetson ads and thought, he’s hot, a little bit. Ok, a lot, . I didn’t know who you were at the time.. but anyway I get it. However, what I don’t get is that dumb haircut you have. It’s terrible. It seems to me somebody is trying to look like the Biebs. Hmmmm. The Biebs is not ill give you that but you’re not looking to hot with that look. Andropause? Maybe, a middle life football crisis is due.
5. Because you play for the patriots. Do I know anything about your team? No, but I catch on pretty quickly. I know a lot of people boast their love for the darn team. Patriots are apparently like the freaking Lakers of football. I can’t go with the flow I just can’t. I think you’ve got enough rings on your finger, including the marriage ring.
6. Because everyone at work likes you and there for I have to be the A- hole that doesn’t. I hear about your glorious achievements on a daily basis Tom. I hear how you’re going to come in and destroy the Bills, or take on anyone and kick their ass. Im just trying to stand my ground, and keep some morals. I can’t go for the face, I just can’t. Ok, so it’s not personal. I know plenty of people who love you. But I’m not sharing that love. I kind of like being the tide of change, and opposing the majority. So there it’s not like I really, really don’t like you .

But hey, its my life were talking about, so as expected, things have gone awry.

I’m driving down Goodman St. here in the lovely, snow laden (a.k.a. get the weather to warm up already- Rochester), I’m minding my own business, and I’m driving extra carefully. Which in this scenario served no purpose whatsoever, and this girly girl just decides to you know change lanes by completely getting into my lane in order to take this right exit she missed like by 20 feet! So there I was, seeing it all unfold in slow motion. I’m driving, hitting the breaks, freaking out turning the wheel as sharply as my little human hands can and, BAM!  I hit her in the right back passenger side door and my brand new car gets F#$%^&** right in its beautiful shiny front left sidelight.  I can’t believe it, is this possible? Can someone be that stupid to think, “Hey let me just invade a whole right lane in a 90-degree angle because, hey, I missed my exit! After all, I just have to get in all the upcoming traffics way, no biggie!  New York state law says you need to drive defensively, therefore, let the other driver fend for himself. Yipeeeeee”.

It was just like that. We talk afterwards, were girls, we aren’t fighting or yelling or anything. She accepts her guilt 100%. I’m ok with it because I wasn’t responsible. If I hit her it was because I tried to prevent getting t boned . Anyway, I was pissed. I cried. I got over it. Then the A- holes at the insurance company call me and say I’m 20% responsible. I was like Whaaaaaaaat?!

Oh man, it was in that moment that I wanted to have the knowledge to:  1. Make a time machine 2. Go back to the incident 3. Yell at that girl because in the end being nice didn’t get me anywhere and 4. Kick something, real hard.

In the end they gave me 90%, I still have to pay the freaking 10%. I just don’t get this. It just confirms how seedy and unfair insurance companies are. They smile and then give you a punch, in the face!

And through it all I must say that I was pleasantly entertained because even when I was mad I had Charlie Sheen. He brought me through a moment of pain and darkness and showed me that if you have Adonis DNA and believe in your tigers Blood, then you can do anything.  Charlie Sheen is so ballsy and incredibly unrepentant that his tirades and rants just took me to another level.  In a time of need, crazy Hollywood antics saved the day…. Oh,  that and his crazy party confessions from uber-reliable witnesses (porn stars).

Lessons learned: So even if I got screwed over by the a-holes of ________ (insert favorite insurance company name here), I’ll prevail because I’m winning.

maybe a guy will hold this purse.....

I was walking down the main hallway in the hospital I work in. It was close to 5:20 pm, and a lot of people were weaving in and out trying to get home after a long day at work. Apparently a HUGE snowstorm was coming and hell was going to break loose in Rochester. Anyway, as I walked among the crowd the following scene transfixed me.

Start Scene. Girl is trying to arrange her coat. She is struggling with all the things she’s carrying. Unless she’s like Goro  (see Mortal Kombat), she will be unable to accomplish arranging her coat. Girl asks her boyfriend (or guy friend, it’s irrelevant) to “ hold her purse”. Guy responds with a frown: NO. Girl whines and says “pleeeeeease”. Guy says NO, again. End of Scene.

Chivalry is dead and men who can’t carry purses are proof. I’ve always wondered what is it about men and their anti-purse carrying attitude. Really. I don’t get it. If a guy asks me to hold, let’s say their nether regions protective gear (aka. cup/ crotch protector /whatever) I’d do it. I don’t care. Who cares? It doesn’t cancel out me being a woman. Me carrying anything masculine doesn’t make me less of a lady. In fact, I think it makes me awesome (that and understanding sports).  Switch scenario. Ask a man to hold your purse, and what happens? They refuse, always. I think 99.9% of the male population will deny holding or even accepting to hold a woman’s purse. I’m baffled. But it happens; in fact it has happened to me many times.

I’m not a connoisseur in the subject of odd male behavior but I’m pretty sure that asking a man to hold your purse is equivalent to emasculation. Maybe in the man book it is stated ” thou shall not hold a purse, no matter what” . I bet it does.  I’m sure if they had a choice they would rather: 1. loose a limb, 2. kiss a guy, 3. Watch a chick flick. Yeah it’s that bad. I would even go as far as saying that they would probably give up Super owl over having to hold a friggin’ purse, but I might be exaggerating.   In reality I think it’s pretty hilarious. Just watching a mans face when the dreaded “ hold my purse “ request comes up is right up there with when we tell them the three little words first. Despair, paranoia and freak out mode ensue.  Why this adamant and passionate refusal to be seen publicly or privately holding this feminine contraption. It’s just a purse, and it will only be in your hand for a few seconds.

I guess for a man one second of purse holding is really one too many.

If you don’t believe me, just recall The Hangover scene where Allen gets asked if he’s carrying a purse. He s pretty pissed when everyone in the group doesn’t acknowledge that it is NOT a purse, but a satchel (It’s a purse). There is an elemental difference apparently. I still think it’s a purse.

I even went ahead and asked a few guys at work.  I went with the whole scientific method. Asking questions, and stuff. The response was unanimous. Holding a woman’s purse pisses them off. One of them says it made him angry.  Another was like “I am not doing it.  Forget it”. Seriously, why the hatred?  Maybe I should look into this more in-depth.

I’m wondering if guys would hold your purse during the “honeymoon relationship” period? Maybe they would go out of their way and play nice, and hold that damn thing. maybe its the true test, that can either make or break that first date. haha!  Maybe, you never know.

I moved to Rochester in January 2006.  As soon as I moved here I realized that I needed my own means of transportation, or else I wouldn’t get anywhere.  Well I could but using public transportation was not a fun endeavor. At first catching cabs for grocery runs was interesting, obviously not in the Jamie Fox/ Tom Cruise Thriller
“I just killed someone, floor it!” kind of way, but non the less interesting. Later it became annoying. I’ve never been in the situation where I was restricted due to lack of a vehicle. I grew up in a house with cars. Yeah Cars.

With intense research (Thanks cars.com) I was able to find a cheap, used car that would be perfect for my weekend short commutes to and from my apartment to shop. That’s it, nothing fancy.  With the help of a friend I was able to find a sweet deal.  2.5 hrs away there was a 1997 Rally Sport Chevy Cavalier for sale. It looked good, it was cheap.  I mean real cheap, the kind of option you can’t just pass by. I went for it. Little did I know that the trip to purchase my first car would be the trip from hell.  Yes, hell. I should’ve known this; I mean the car was for sale at Horseheads, NY. What kind of name is that ? Yeah, mafia and decapitated treats left at your door sounds like something that would happen in that place.

We drive about three hours to get to this place. It was in the middle of nowhere. To make the long story short, we had driven up to Horseheads to look at  the car first, so this trip was for the title DMV paperwork and to pay for the car.  So we get there but due to traffic we made it 20 minutes before the DMV was supposed to close. I thought I had all the things I needed, Ha!  Well it turned out my insurance cards were not faxed on time to the DMV and the lady shut down the whole operation and closed the place right in my face. I was pissed. In order for me to get my car I needed all that stupid paperwork taken care of. Ahhhh.

So I was forced to stay in Horseheads overnight because at this point it wasn’t worth it to drive back to Rochester and return the next day. This was the worst night ever.( Recall, the whole Barcelona return trip blog entry, ok second worst night ever.)

We stayed at this dingy, ratty, cockroach infested motel called the Mark Twain Motel. Who the heck names a motel after Mark Twain? I mean everything in this little town was named after Mark Twain. Creepy. All I know is that he was born in Florida, Missouri, so I have no idea where the fascination with Mark Twain comes from (Correction I do know, he lived in Elmira; a good part of his life, which is the name of the town there, but I thought it was funny to say this anyway). We stayed at this motel, I had no toothbrush, no deodorant, no way to shower, nothing. If you know me, you know I love my showers therefor; this was pure torture to me.

So we were forced to spend the night at this motel.  I’m glad it just cost me 25.00 bucks or else I would have seriously resorted to sleeping in the car, or the street, both options looked favorable. Later that night we wanted to eat, but apparently finding a pizza place in this town was close to impossible. We got lost trying to find pizza. We gave up and went to Burger King. Yuck. To terminate the voyage of pain, the air conditioning, if you may call it that, was slightly humid.   I didn’t sleep. The next morning I couldn’t wait to get my car and leave. The worst part was returning to the DMV, with the same clothing as the day before, looking haggard and unhappy.

I got the papers all done. Had a mini breakdown of joy and drove back home.

One thing I learned from the whole experience is to NEVER go anywhere without emergency toiletries. That same day, I bought a woman’s emergency travel kit and put it in the trunk of my car.  It has been there for 5 years now. I’m never going to go through the whole Horseheads incident again.

5 years later ……

My 1997 Chevy Cavalier is history now. I just traded it in for a newer car. I’m so psyched I can’t even explain how happy I feel.

When I went to the dealership to trade in my car, I was a little apprehensive. According to Matt, my car had become a beater. It was worth barely anything. Poor little thing. It was a piece of crap. It served me well for 5 years, I have no complaints. I let it go.  It was funny though because I had to almost fight my way with the manager of the dealership to get $500.00 for it as a trade in. Awwwww. Before officially abandoning my Chevy to the dealer I had to search through it to get all my belongings. Guess what? In the trunk of my car, there it was my trusty little woman’s travel kit. Still there.

Listen just because I have a new car doesn’t mean I’m going to forgo my paranoia of not being able to shower and change if I’m trapped somewhere. This is not a survivor test, so I’m not budging.

First thing, tonight, when I get my new car all set, I’m putting that travel kit in the trunk. Who knows where I’ll be stranded next. No matter what I’ll have my Herbal Essence hairspray; Colgate toothpaste and my Lady Speed stick with me.

PS. I got a new car it’s a cute 2008 Mazda 3 i  Sport. Quite an upgrade if I may say so myself.

Goodbye Chevy. Hello Zoom Zoom!

Its Xmas. Hooray a thousand times hooray!

I can see how the holiday cheer is everywhere. Little lights sparkling, huge Xmas trees , houses catching on fire due to excessive overloading of electrical cords, lots of shopping , people fighting over toys etc… Incredible, how this time of year comes around fast and leaves even quicker.

This is the first time in five years that I will spending X-mas here in gringo-land. It sucks so big, I can’t even tell you how terrible it is. I always have gone back home for the holidays and gotten that re-charge  I need to get back here and kick- A in the snow laden America. This year however, I’ll have to resort to tanning booths, and lots of puertorrican food( cooked by me, not my mom, Oh God I can feel the tears) in order to make  it through with minimal side  effects.   Its been 5 years since I have stayed here in Rochester during the holidays. Why now? I’m broke, and therefore have no money to travel. To add-on to this wonderful experience, my  car has decided it no longer wants to live. It’s so close to dying out on me, it’s not even funny. Listen, I got the car fixed a week ago $ 560.00 big ones, I drive out the mechanics  parking lot. I get to the mall, and the entire dashboard lights up  like a Xmas tree (holiday pun intended) and then it goes berserk. I was out of the shop for no more than 20 minutes before it decided to get  freaky. Yes, it’s  bad. I need a new car .  More on that adventure later on. For now I’ll pretend I’m actually car shopping because I decided to out of leisure and not because my car  is forcing me to do so, because it has no reason to live any loner. Bastard little vehicle. All you gave me were 5 miserable years. I thought you loved me more than that!

But anyway, as I said its Xmas and there are a lot of things that come to mind. Most of them are my most awesome Xmas presents ever.

So to commemorate such  a wonderful season lets see if I can remember some.

1. 1985: NES : Yes baby! My sister actually got it, not me. But as sisters my dad meant for us to share such amazing feat of technology. I remember it like yesterday when my dad walked in with this massive “reserved” NES console. He knew this thing was so popular, he actually got it pre-ordered at Kmart ( yes Kmart, it’s 1985!!!). I’m sure he didn’t feel like battling it out with all the crazies in the store.  I just recall him placing this gigantic box in the middle of the living room floor. My sister seemed pretty psyched, I had no clue what the heck was going on. The NES was amazing!  My sister being 6 years older than I got the  advantage of playing it more efficiently than I did. Then, there was the  fact that she ingeniously manipulated my Luigi into launching himself into the tunnels of death,( tinininini… tininini… the song people… the song of the tunnels) causing me to lose my turn and enabling her to play for hours at an end before she actually died.  I was too young to notice such a coincidence, cause every time I played she would accidentally freeze me midair , causing Luigi his early demise. I was so angry at my inability to play that I had a tantrum so epic, my mom grounded my sister and made me play NES all day without having her killing me. It was the most fantastic day of my childhood.

2. 1989: The SONY Walkman: WOW, now there was nothing  that I loved more than my swanky walkman.  Listening to awesome music on the go, was  by far the coolest thing , ever!  Once again my sister, had a massive collection of singles(  singles!!!!), which I would borrow and groove to. I loved it because  nobody in my household cared for it. My dad bought it for himself, but much like all of the things he got for himself, he never used it much. I for once had something cool to hoard.  The walkman was my BFF during my exploring adventures( outside in the yard like 50 feet away from where my mom could watch me), my biking expeditions  etc… I loved that thing. Ahh the 80′s.

3.1988-1989: Cherry Merry Muffin Dolls: Yeah, I know. What kind of freak would come up with a name like that for a doll. Mattel did. These where this ridiculously girly dolls , whose entire collection was themed on baking and making sweets. All the accessories were shaped like berries, flour and butter, sugar..etc. The dolls themselves smelled like what they were called. Example: Cherry Merry Muffin: the diva, all-star of the group, was cherry scented, Banancy; the not so popular one smelled like bananas, Apple Amy; the fierce biatch, smelled like apples and Betsy Berry the sexy redhead, was scented like, you guessed it, blueberries. Oh and last but not least thee was Chocolatie, who was chocolate-y.  These dolls were the must have for any  second grader. I wanted them so bad.  My dad, God bless him, got them for me  and he went all out with all the playsets included. I still have them. I was so paranoid in keeping them just like they were when I first got them,  I saved the original pacaking and everything. My nieces recently got a hold of them, so Im not sure if they exist anymore. Hmmm….

4. 1980: He Man and the Masters of the Universe+ She-Ra: There was nothing cooler that having the action figures of the Masters of the Universe.  Ok, having a female, action superhero like She-Ra now that was awesome! I had the entire thing, He- man included. Her flowy  shiny hair, her incredible crown and not to mention her amazing horse were all just the best. I had the He Man just  so that when I played with the doll, she could have her own little man slave to bitch slap.  Yes, i was one little weird kid. In MY masters of the Universe world, She- Ra was queen and He- man was well not very important.  There was only one awesome lady who could defeat the evil Skeletor and that my friend was She- Ra. Those were the days.

5. 1990: Rollerblades Listen, I never ever learned how to  use the old-school skates, so I skipped an entire learning curve and went right for the inline skates. My best friend had a pair and I was introduced to them at her house. A few months later, after ranting and being a pest, I got my own, and became part of my own little rollerblading posse. It was so cool. My best memory of rollerblading was at my best friends birthday party. We all had rollerblades and we decided to launch ourselves downhill with them. I have no idea where the adult supervision was at the moment. This was NOT a good idea. In fact it was terrible.  I wanted to show off so I went downhill full speed, as you can imagine I got some rock jammed in my rollerblade and ended up airborne for a few seconds. I didn’t make it to the safety of a grassy  area, so I scrapped my knee. It was a good scrape, the kind you are proud of. The kind that calls for that inky purple desinfectant to be poured on it  causing a %^$#@ sting . Im sure my best friends dad got it all on tape.

****6. 1990: Troll Dolls I never got this. This was the one Xmas toy I never got. Why ? because my mother thought they were hideous , and no child should have a toy that looked like the spawn of Satan. I don’t disagree with the ugly remarks, but  to my eyes they were soooo cute. They were so colorful, and the little gemstone in their belly button, just made them cuter ( or trashier). Every single friend of mine had these, except me. My mom really had her way with this decision. I’m sure I could have convinced my dad to get me one, but she refused. Trolls  and me were just not meant to be. During that holiday season just to get her message across that  Id never have a Troll Doll, My mom gave me a glamorous barbie doll instead. Her arms would move mechanically to push her hair back a- la herbal Essence commercial. A little too much for a 8 year old. Mom what were you thinking. Talk about opposites.

So what are your favorite Xmas moments? How about your favorite presents when you were a kid. feel free to comment!

Merry Xmas everyone. Even if we all end up being broke, well be happy right?

Bren

I was online checking my email  and such. In many websites ( actually everyone) you can always see little links to a wide array of things. From shopping to gadgets to not so adequate  advertisements of the adult variety… you can find anything. I was just checking my email when I noticed the little link for a popular online dating site. I have seen the commercial like a bazillion times, and even wondered like the rest of  the world if any of these things work, ever.  Just to clarify, I am not applying to any of these websites. The chances of getting killed by a serial killer on a random  first time meet date are way too high for my comfort. There’s also the chance of  meeting with the” handsome” gentleman  to realize he’s some toupee  wearing , creepy old dude. No thank you. But anyway I saw the link and  in it there was some sort of site for costumer reviews on  popular internet dating websites. I was curious to say the least. Regardless of the motive of the site, I  knew that the topic of  relationships, would be a really good one because, there’s was NO WAY something mean or funny would be left unsaid. Its like impossible for things to not go wrong with this stuff. It’s a given!

I mean, what sort of untapped potential  lies on a free review website with people’s comments? Oh I knew this was going to be good… so I clicked.

Never have I been so happy to rad this garbage, never!  I laughed , a lot, my intention was to read just one, but then  I couldn’t stop a. Later I decided to copy said comments and to past them here for your reading pleasure. I’ve put in  my  own comments to explain some of the background behind these quotes. Needless to say there were people fighting with each other instead of focusing on the websites purpose, hilarious!

I started reading and the first comment was based on the inability to find a reliable man in the website:

• “The chances of getting an intelligent signal from outer space seem more probable than getting one from a “quality” male whose not a fake on ( insert dating website name here)”. This lady was pissed, real pissed.  I found it really funny because her comments were probably true. So, If I have seen a UFO, does it mean I have a chance? hahaha.

It seems that writing a pseudo commercial description of your hobbies is unacceptable within said profile. This woman was angry because people are outdoorsy, or at least claim to be, to sound cool

• “Please, stop writing that you are active and you are an outdoor person and that you hike and bike and ski and whatever. This says nothing about a person. If that was true then a sporting goods store would be the best place to meet people”. Somebody has a little beef against tree huggers or nature lovers..oooooooohhhh. I guess me liking to hike says nothing about my person. Ok then  I’ll leave the part about saving the world and wanting world peace out too. Shucks!

Fake profiles are  around more often than not it seems. This woman even went to the lengths of identifying the filthy liar with his ID and everything.. Intense. This is not joke.

• “He lied about his age. He is not 45 years old as stated in his profile on match.com.I emailed a complaint to match customer service.LADIES BEWARE !!!!! this guy is going to be 49 years old and has three boys . I know that other women would appreciate knowing this lie. No one wants to waste time on guys like this that LIE about their age.  He seems to have mental issues too”. My favorite part is the last sentence. Where did that come from?   She just threw that out there , for your interest. Oh god I nearly lost it when I read that. Liar liar pants on fire.

Women were no the only ones with issues here. the guys had plenty to say too. I guess in many way s they were more sincere and straightforward with as to why they joined these sites. Nice guys real nice.

This guy did not mince words. Dont reach for the stars ladies, if you aint a 10 you aint getting nowhere.  harsh, still funny!

• “The fact that someone doesn’t get a response should not lead to a conclusion that _____ is a bad site. Let’s face it, if you are a 5 and write an email to a 10, you are unlikely to get a response”. Damn, too bad men who are a 2 still expect the women who are a 10 to respond. That just happened!

More on false fake people. This gentleman was suspicious of this lady who swore she lived in his city, yet was unable to mention any places that any local would recognize. He got angst-y and confronted her. Here’s the actual conversation he posted.

• She became very defensive.” I live in Greensboro, I live in Greensboro, I live in Greensboro,” 6 times.
• Me: Ok, can you name some places in Greensboro?
• Her: “I would tell you, but I’m not going to.”
• Me: ” What places in Greensboro?”
• Her: No answer.

That’s bullshit is all I can say”. I loved it when she lost it and yelled six times( accurate) that she did live there. haha  I guess he’s trying ti keep her mysterious aura by NOT telling him. Real smart missy.

Dont send emails of you can’t follow through. You teases. This guy was not pleased with un responsive ladies

• “Hey, I’m glad you think I’m the cat’s meow, but let’s never meet, and at least I’ll have this wonderful e-mail you sent me for posterity.” Aww ,he’s a little hurt. Hey at least you have an email to look at and get angry all over again with. hehehee.

Ok, so some people waste their money ont his and regret it later, I mean immediately.

• “I’m not the “internet dating” type,  but I checked out_________ for almost 4 years before I decided to sign up for one month 3 weeks ago… and now, I’m looking forward to my membership expiration date”. Comments like these make me wonder, how bad was that first date?. Sheesh.

Finally a man who says the truth.  he was trying to explain why women get disappointed with online dating if it leads nowhere

• “Guys use online dating to find someone. Girls use online dating to find “the” one. These two very different approaches will never meet in the middle”. It’s nice to hear  a man actually admit when all he wants is  to have a good time. I respect it, but you’re still an ..$%^# hole.

This analogy blew me away. Cats always get thrown into the mix as a representation of evil. Great. This lady was warning all people out there that things get nasty in this world, real nasty. Youve been warned.

• “People WANT to hurt your feelings, in the same way cats are programmed to torture mice. So unless you’ve got facial features that men like you’d better enter the dating scene with a tough shell because it can get nasty”. Cats are not programmed to torture mice, they eat them, its different Biatch.

Finally a comment on the companies commercial. I loved it because I thought about this before.

• “I’m tired of seeing the 5 foot 4 inch twerp on the TV commercial with the striped shirt. Dude, you are never going to meet anyone, because none of the matches they send you will probably be active members. Who cares how many people like soccer, when none of them are active?”. I think in the commercial he states  the  fact that liking sports can’t be the only thing in common with his  partner. I thought liking sports was like the Golden chalice of righteousness among men, and that doing so made you a great catch. I guess I was wrong. We can’t win. Oh, and yeah the guy does look like Yoda.

Ok so the lesson for today is, if you are bored. Go to websites where people write reviews on stuff. The things written there are hilarious. Truly hilarious.  I can’t wait for the review site on some kind of novel dieting product..  It should be interesting.  All I can say is that I laughed a lot, so I have a new alternative to  beat the blues and boredom.

Write on people write on. As long as there are products and companies , there will be unhappy customers, and I’ll have stuff to read. YAy!

Whats is a girl to do?  You know there are many many times when you  want the real thing. What real thing? Well the real thing. Let me put in a couple of scenarios where its good to have the real deal.

If you are getting a diamond necklace and you are paying  $20,000 for it, you want the real thing. No costume jewelry, no fake cheap necklace. You want those diamonds to shine so bright that they blind your co- workers  everytime the light shines on your neck. You want their sparkle to last longer than you, even after all the plastic surgery and botox. Yeah I mean it should even outlast Joan Rivers the only walking corpse out there. Thats the real thing.

If you crave mexican food, you want authentic. You dont want no Taco Bell which by the way is a the most pathetic attempt at mexican food ever made, a very crappy attempt at that. If you crave delicious food from mexico you either go to Mexico or find a real Mexican restaurant , hopefully owned by Mexicans. You dont settle for the shitty fast food. Chipotle you are not real mex food either so dodnt get too smug.

If you want to win a champinoship you really want the real thing. No crappy division title you want to go all the way.  (BTW suck it Tom Brady, your Justin Beiber look makes me dislike you more, I hope you loose. ahem..anyway…) The big ring included. The real thing.

The best exampe is falling in love. When its ” the real t hing” I guess you are supposed to know. Its supposed to be different from any other attempt at a relationship you had. I think.

But anyway I think you get the picture. We dont want to settle for second best or for an imitation if we want the authentic.

Well I got news for you. I think its ok to settle . When it comes to getting real sexy shoes that is.  I bought a pair of Suede Pump platform heels for $100.00. I love those shoes. I trully do. They are freakin awesome. I wouldve bought  them in any  and every color available. They are worth the money just for the amazing things they do for my legs.  Ok Im wandering, what I mean is that if only they were cheaper I’d get more.  Ive been wanting to get the same pair of shoes in black for some time. You know classic black pumps never go out of style. Fashionable forever.  I was perrusing Amazon yesterday for  these shoes (They are the ones on the top Right on this Blogs picture).  $71.00 free shipping. Still expensive. I decided to go for a look out . Theres another website where they ususally have nice stuff . To my suprise I found these wannabes. (The shoes on the top, Left) Can you believe how almost identicasl they are?!!!  Just $21.00. Seriously a girl could  learn to settle. Really settle. I guess ill find out once they arrive in the mail how good they really look but honestly, I cant complain.

As you might imagine I bought the pretend ones, it really wasnt a conflict.  I know there are other things I wont settle for, but until I need to encounter said things, Ill be happy to settle for not the real thing.

Oh and with all the money I saved I  was able to buy myself an entire new outfit. Ok so I didnt save ANYTHING because I still spent the same amout of money the pair of real shoes cost, but I’d rather get alot out of my money instead of a little. If thats  the price for settling? ok, I can deal.

Thank god for imitations.

I asked for a microscope dissection kit when I was seven. I never      really thought of the same things girls my age would think of. Boys were out of the question, makeup was a foresight and dresses were obligated annoyances for church. The thought of wearing anything remotely frilly without being forced into it was putting it mildly. I was not a girly girl. I was however a guys girl.  

Highschool and other unworthy experiences

During my high school years I noticed how I was out of the norm in many ways. The girls were all grown up as in major racks and curvy bodies, me not so much. I’m the understatement of a late bloomer. I had nothing, zit nada for years, basically another phase of my life  where I was once again late for. Always behind, my boobs were just MIA and saying fashionably late would not be overkill. Actually I’m still waiting for them to show up, I’m 28.   I guess I didn’t show up for the dating party either for that matter. All the girls in my class had boyfriend’s something or other, not me.I had lots of guy friends. In fact all the guys in my class were my friends. Yay friends! I even traded games with them and swapped gaming magazines, I was a real catch back in the day.  Forget cosmopolitan and all its 35 ways to make him beg you for sex articles; I was into Playstation magazine, comics and trading games with the men.   You would think that my progressive attitude stemmed from the fact that I recognized how unfruitful a woman’s attempt was when a man  was just not mentally capable of being  in the same page … but no it wasnt anything as deep as that. 

I just like them little bastards.

Seriously, my best friend thought I was the coolest because I was not like any of the girls, I was the non girl – girl, which apparently in the eyes of the guys made me one of them.  It was all good and well for a long time. I couldn’t care less about the opposite sex. I really thought that the more I fit in with them, the more they’d like me, when in fact I was destroying all possibilities of being seen as a female.  I might as well be wielding a  ” most likely to be a lesbian”  subtitle under my picture in the yearbook. But eventually being the smart girl that I am I caught with the times. In so many ways I had never realized how different I was until I developed a major crush on this guy.  It was like a revelation like an unknown world had been opened to make me realize that I was late for this party, again! Whoa when did guys become interesting all of a sudden?  I wanted to catch up badly but in my feeble attempts at trying to be  the “femme fatale” I thought I could be, reality struck and  I developed my theory, the damn friend pit theory.

 What is the friend pit theory? This is a pit of despair much like in The Princess Bride. It involves basically loosing the sense of self and thus entering a comfort zone where you are no longer in the running as an attractive, interesting relationship candidate. This presents itself as a problem aka obstacle when one wants the attention of said  guy friend, to whom you are nothing more than a buddy.

Yes, yes… it exists. I shall explain.

 Friend- pit Theory and other unknown Algorithms

 I never thought I’d say this but, there is such a thing as becoming too good of a friend with a guy(s). The result is that you will eventually be placed in the risky shady area where you become “one of them”.

This is not a fatal outcome; in fact in most cases it is very awesome once you realize that men are non- filtered outspoken, uncouth horny bastards that can entertain you to no avail.  

They just tell it like it is if they have no interest in you as a woman and they are freakin’ entertaining. Men are hilarious.  However the tables turn if you so happen to like said friend, then you’re pretty much fu$%&^d. Hence, the friend pit theory. In this scenario all known knowledge of men is taken out of the equation and being the buddy takes precedence.  In other words the tables are turned against you. The coolness factor that makes you be part of their little society disqualifies you as a female candidate. There is such a thing as being to cool for your own good. Yeah you are in deep shit.  Climbing out of this well of despair may take a lot of work and the results may vary. In my experience once your in you will stay in.

Climbing Mount Everest is Easier

I always was the good friend, the understanding one I would listen to guy endeavors with other girls and fumed on the inside. I wanted to badly to be like those girls. I was very insecure,  so I never really tried to so anything. I hated the damn pit of friendship that prevented me from being seen as “the one”. One day however I was pleasantly surprised to notice a guy’s attention towards me in a non- friend manner. I ignored it . You can get cozy and comfy in the friend pit.  You can start to feel like there is not chance on hell to escape threfore living in denial is your only hope. In some ocassions I’d hear about how great I was for the future, not for the present but for later. So I’d be the later girl, not now, but later way down the road kind of thing. So I stayed in the pit. angry, but I stayed in there.

To be continued…..

Aweseome Costume Party last weekend. havent had thta much fun in a long time. It felt good to step as my alter ego- Lady Gaga!. hope you enjoy the collage.

 Bren

So I’ve been running for what? A year and a half now, and even though I’ve accomplished more than what I ever thought I would, I still continue to try to get better, because well, that’s how I am. I can’t do anything half assed or half way for that matter.  I like running. It’s a good stress reliever, it’s a great way to stay in shape and it’s kind of like that very efficient exercise where you get a lot done in a little time. I must accept I’ve gotten somewhat addicted to the feeling of running, and its not because it really does feel great to run (believe me you get tired, you hurt all over and it sucks when you know you’re loosing your power) rather its more of like a routine, where you need to do it because you are used to it, and if you stop you would otherwise feel like you’re missing something or feel guilty. In the morning I wake up and the first thing that pops in my head is “ I have to go run”. Just like that.

I’ve been doing this consistently for more than a year; I can’t stop even if I wanted to.

So far it’s been a great goal to achieve and I feel proud of getting where I thought I’d never be. Two 5ks done at least one more to go for this year and next year , I’m aiming for at least 5 races.

But in order to answer a question a la Brenda style here are the most important reasons as to why I’m running and will continue to run forevermore:

1. Because when the city gets an “it’s the end of the world scenario” where crap is exploding/crashing all over the place, Ill look real good in slow motion running to save my life or to my death.
2. When a super crazy bargain sale comes up I can outrun all those crazy women who want to get to the discount rack, no sweat.
3. When I become a mom I might be able to catch that pesky little toddler that is wreaking havoc in my house.
4. If I commit a crime, I will be the fastest person to ever grace the footage of a classic cops episode.
5. Because power-walking is gay.
6. When zombies attack and start mauling people, I will prevail by running to higher ground (aka an abandoned school, car etc etc)in order to successfully  evade their slimy little necrotic filthy hands. (Oh, wait, I don’t know if I can do this one, I have consistently sustained injuries while running, and I have inflicted these on myself without the stress of being chased. I wont make it when zombies attack I’m sure, because Ill trip and then Ill end up under a mountain of flesh eating bastards. Typical.)
7. If I magically get transported into the 90’s(oh, no please, anything but the 90’s!) I will be able to run at the beach a la Baywatch intro clip with style and some muscle definition…..and I high cut totally unflattering bathing suit, flat chest included.
8. I’d rather run, that to wear those god-awful toning sneakers that look like you are walking on moon shoes permanently.
9. Because flying cars haven’t been invented, ok that’s not a reason but I’m putting it in here.
10. I like it. Simple. Oh and Im competitive, so I want to do better in every race, which explains why I was pissed in my last one.